Signs You're Going Crazyyyy

Oh Dear Jeebus.
I'm officially going insane. Either that, or i'm freaking bipolar and just havent been told yet. i swear. i was just looking thru some stuff on myspace, and i saw something and i got all mad, and i had to tell myself "thats a stupid thing to get mad about" but then i told myself again"no its not! i have every damn reason to get mad" and so on, and so forth.
that is pretty much how three trains of thought have gone over the past two days.
so a while back, i was really mad at one of my best friends. i mean, livid. and over what?
idk!
so i decided, Katie, you're acting like you are back in 2nd grade and the teacher just told you that you had to go sit in the corner, so now you hate her/him." (ive never heard of a male second grade teacher, though. but lets not be discriminating about gender!) so i (to use an old cliche) "built a bridge and got over it". then i saw something, and i got mad again, just like a little kid getting mad at a teacher for discplining them. and im thinking, dear god! what the heck is going on in my brain? am i not over it? have i not forgotten about it and moved on? am i still having feelings for a person that i know are gonna lead me somewhere i never want to go again? i hope to god not, because i have already had a tough enough time with it, and i NEVER want to do that again. ever. you couldnt pay me enough to go there again.
its not the first time that i've realized that i am truely the epitomy of the word "bitch". i just fail to say it to myself, and fail even more so in trying to change it. on the outside, i may seem like the nicest person you will ever even come across in your life. but on the inside, i could care less if your mother was laying in a hospital bed dying of pancratic cancer (it does exist), i would still crack the MEANEST momma joke you would ever hear without a single thought as to what i just said about your dying momma. i mean, i would rip you to shreds even if i knew that your parents are going thru a god awful divorce at the time.
and trust me, the person i'm talking about, probably knows this by now.
and, it seems, they dont care.
they can still call me one of their closest friends, even though i have cussed him out, yelled at him, wanted him to feel like shit, and god knows what else, even after i said some of the things i've said to him (because ive said some mean stuff!), he still calls me his friend.
and no, i aint talkin about jesus. he would do that, but im not talking about him because i havent cussed him out. lol.
honestly, i dont think i DESERVE to be called his friend after the bitch ive been to him. i dont deserve it one bit. if i were him, i would NEVER be friends with me. especially if i was the bitch to myself that i have been to him in the past. you know what?
i think i want to take the time to apologize. even after i've said the things ive said to you, you are still willing to call me one of your closest friends. that is something i dont think i deserve. you've beent thru some crap, dude, especially with me, from me, however you want to look at it. and i feel horrible for saying things ive said in the past. and recently, but you dont know about that. i would say just smile and nod your head in agreement that ive been a bit of a huge-mongous bitch lately and before. i shouldnt be like that. its just not nice. to sound a little second gradish again. but yeah, you deserve a lot better friends than who i've been, but you choose to put up with my bullshit anyway. you're awesome, and you should know that. you had better be pretty damn tolerant too, to put up with me for almost four years now. we've been thru some crap, and i thought that after what happened between us, we would probably never be friends again. i dont know how you can stand to put up with me sometimes, its crazy. i dont always have the best head on my shoulders, and even when i do, i dont even think to use it. if i could take back anything, it would be how horrible of a friend i've been to you over the past three or four years. i shouldnt have been that way, and im so sorry for it.

Keep your Friends Close, Keep your Enemies Closer

I have noticed alot of things lately. and a majority of these things are about myself. i have noticed that ever since something abruptly ended a while back, i havent been much of the same person. in a way, i have bettered myself from that, but in most ways, i was very confused. i knew that what i had done would be good for me in the long run, but at the time, i was greatly saddened. it took me forever, it seemed, to finally get what i wanted, and once i had it, it wasnt all i thought it would be. im not saying that i was unhappy, because i was the happiest person alive. and for all you perverts that may be reading this going "oh my god, what did katie do!?" i will go ahead and answer that now: NOTHING. i didnt do a damn thing, so dont go around saying "omfg katie has gone and done something!" because i havent, you pervert. now that that has been said... where was i?oh yes.i was the happiest person alive. until things started happening, and i wasnt very happy with them. i ignored it for a while, but finally, i could ignore it no longer, and when i said something about it, it blew up in my face, caused me much grief, and so i had to get rid of the thing that was causing me grief, which in this case pretty much meant getting rid of my best friend. or someone who i thought was my best friend.for the longest time, i thought that, and still sometimes do think that i should not have done what i did. it made me miserable thinking that i had gone and ruined something good, again. i cried for days afterwards, and every now and then, i still do.recently, though, i read a book. the main character went through a similar difficulty to what i was going through at the time when i read it. it wasnt completely the same, but the emotions that the character was feeling in the book were almost identical to the things that i was feeling at the time. it’s crazy how sometimes a simple book can teach you so many things, and give you the answers to things that are going on in your life at the time that you read them. this book taught me that it is okay to forget about the past and to let go of everything that is hurting you. yes, it helped to shape who you are, but it is alright to let it go. you dont have to keep beating yourself up for things that have happened in the past. that is something that i never thought that i could do.one of the other characters in this book says to the main character "it doesnt need to be like this. it doesnt have to be either/or. it must be possible to be friends..." that quote, when i read it, had no value at first. i wasnt really thinking about the book at the time, it was just a good read. but when i went back and really thought about it, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to hear. i, apparently, needed someone or something to tell me that things dont need to be the way that i was handling them. things didnt need to be "either.or" it could be both or neither. or anything, for that matter. that we could just be friends if i could just let go. but that was never something i had taught myself to do. i always keep bringing back old memories and other things that i have always done wrong in my life, and i focus on those things so that i will never do them again. but i always end up repeating past mistakes. if i could just learn to let go, i could probably be a much better person. i wouldnt always feel like i am down right miserable.throughout the short course of my sixteen year old life, i have come into contact with several people. many of them were just passing aquaintances, few were ever really close friends. i am glad to say that i have found a small group of people that i know that i can turn to at any given time and be able to tell them anything and at the very least, have a shoulder to cry on. at the most, a person who can help me through any problem with ease and have a strong support behind me through everything i do. without them, i dont know what i would do with myself. thankfully, all of them would be there for me, no matter what. one of them has been there for me since the day i was born, i just never took advantage of that. i always shyed away from her help, even though i now know that i should have used it. i just always thought she would make fun of me or not understand. thankfully, though, i have realized that her help, as well as the help of a few others, could be the best kind of help that i ever needed. i guess thats what sisters are for! as well as best friends. not just the ones that are friends with you for the image. those are the fake ones and you need to get away from them because they will drag you down. they are no help to you because they dont really care for you. the ones im talking about are the ones that have seen you at your very best and your very worst. the ones that are there for you when you think that you have hit rock bottom. the ones that if they see you crying go "who i gotta beat down?" because they really care for you.when you find those, cherish them. dont ever let go of them, because friends like that are hard to find. and once you do find them, hold on tight.

now i think ive made my peace with myself.
who knows.
until next time,
but right now, im gonna sit back, in boredom, with a glass of grape kool-aid.
Peace,
Kaytay

People are STUPID.

ya know, i love it how people expect you to act like everything is okay when it really isnt.and incase you didnt notice, THAT was sarcasm. if i knew why people expected other people to do that when something is going on on the D.L., i would be a very rich person right now. but honestly, im not rich, so i apparently DONT know why people expect other people to act like there is nothing going on whatsoever.it baffles me. i especially hate it when the thing that is going on is something that would be really hard to hide sooner or later.and its also sort of in the process of ripping your family apart at the seams.okay, so maybe my problems arent ripping my family apart, but they are causing alot of yelling that i am sick of hearing. its nothing that i have done, but i'm still sick of being the innocent bystander that has to listen to the carnage. it's like watching a car wreck in process. a really gnarly car wreck. its not something you want to watch and then have to hold it inside and be like "car wreck? what car wreck? i dont know what youre talking about". it will drive you insane. some days you will forget about it, until you hear about it again, then it comes back and makes you have a bad day. its something you want to forget about, and for a while you manage to, but then something happens and the whole issue gets ripped wide open again, it causes some kind of disturbance, and you have to stand by and listen to it while its going on inside the house that you are living in, and you get so upset by it that you start crying for no apparent reason, and when you catch yourself crying, you realize that you are doing it and then you start crying harder because you realize that you were crying for reasons that arent yours in the first place, and it just leads to a whole snowball effect type of bad day. on those days, it could be the littlest thing that sets you off, and then you take it out on the people that you really care about, and it just gets so out of hand that someone finally realizes that something is going on but they dont want to ask you about it for fear of setting you off again, and then there is this void between you and the people you care about and it all has to do with these problems that arent even yours but they became yours when you found out what the heck was going on in your family in the first place and you were asked not to say anything. and then when people outside of your family start finding out about the problem and start asking you about it, you have to act like nothing is going on, and act like you dont know and that what the person is saying to you is news to you too, and it all just comes back around to the thing that upset you in the first place. and then you get mad because you are lying to your friends about something and that is something you swore not to do anymore, but you have to because you have to keep some stupid family secret and it rips your brain APART.
*takes a deep breath*
okay.
im good now.
i hope.
and now, its time to sit back, in boredom, with a glass of grape kool-aid.
peace out
KayTay

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

As most of you know by now, the actor Heath Ledger is dead. yes, he really is dead. no, i am not just making this up, he is really, bonafide, D-E-A-D, dead. If you didnt know, then
A) you are really slow
or
B) you dont watch/read the news.

I'm not going to go into details because i am too lazy.
Death, as we all know, is pretty tragic. celebrity death is even worse. only because everybody knows celebrities and they really dont want to see them die so suddenly. but honestly? when a celeb dies, it is WAY to over-publicized. frankly, within a fifiteen minute span in looking thru recent news stories, a grand total of EIGHTEEN news stories somehow related to Heath. frankly, that is sick.
Here's what i think. Yes, he is dead, whatever his reasons may have been, they were his own. whatever his means may have been (meaning how it happend, if he did it himself, or whatever) is his own business, in life or in death. the way his family greives for him, that is their business, i really dont think that that should be world news! "Oh my gosh, my son/brother/nephew/whatever died. he was an actor. i think this is what he would have wanted for his funeral." i really DONT think that any family, whether of someone famous or not, would want that in some newspaper. or on the internet. or in EIGHTEEN friggin news stories.
this is just like when Anna Nicole Smith died. they made a story out of her death, a story out of the autopsy results coming out, a story about a comment made in the autopsy about her anus being "unremarkable". its like dude, i really dont want to know what the ME said about her ANUS, frankly. i just dont want to know that. and now, however long ago she died, they are still making freaking references to her death, and her autopsy, and her unremakable anus. hey news people, ever heard the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie"? well, do the same after a certain period with dead celebs, as well. if they have been dead a while, DONT keep talking about them. its only nice.
and now, after all of that, its time to sit back, in boredom, with a glass of grape kool-aid.
peace out
KayTay