Man Oh Man.

Wow. It has been a while, avid readers, but oh, has a lot happened. I've been up and down and back and forth and every direction at once. This summer has been a crazy one. I don't even know what to start with. Let me start with what has been weighing the heaviest on my mind. This guy. I can't stand the sight of him. I mean, seriously. He and I dated for a little less than two months. We fought, and broke up. Whoop-dee, right? Unfortunately, no. That was one of the worst times in my life. Everything that has happened to me since then has been b/c of who I changed into after him. I'm the crazy, self-hating, neurotic bitch that I am today b/c of that little fucker. Anyway. He and I haven't been together for a long time. We don't really talk anymore. I play nice when I have to, but that's it. Well, he's in band and I'm on the color guard, so it's inevitable that we'll have to deal with each other. This all started at Carter's birthday party. We were both there. I swear to you he was staring at me. He swears he wasn't. Then, band camp starts. I stay after one day and sit w/ Britany. When he's not playing, he's staring. I think he's starting to realize what he skipped out on. what I want, tho, as I just realized, is my old best friend back. My best guy friend. Our friendship used to be effortless. We could just hang out and everything would be fine. No problems. None. I want that back. I want that effortless joking. The effortless friendship. Can I have that back? Or is it too late? Am I too late? Have I already screwed things up so badly so that I can't have my best friend back? Am I what you say I am? Am I? Can I forgive you? Can you forgive me? Can we have our effortless friendship back and just forget the past? I can't take back anything I've said, even though I think about it every day and always regret what I have said to you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. How could I? No one's perfect, and I'm the least perfect of them all. I don't know what to do, honestly. I want to forgive and be forgiven, but there is that one part of me that says not to. I just want my best friend back, despite what I tell myself. That's all I want. In a perfect world, I know this would happen. But this isn't a perfect world.

I'll save the other stuff for another day.

F-A-I-L. My Favorite 4-Letter "F" Word...

Why did I title this "Fail"?
Because. I'm sick of everything right about now.
My boyfriend complains about my best friend being a bitch.
My best friend complains about how I spend too much time with my boyfriend.
She also complains about my band.
I'm not sure I can handle being in this band.
We never do anything, and when we DO finally do something, it sounds awful b/c we can't all go the same speed. That drives me nuts.
I've got too much drama around me.
I'm tired of it.
I need an escape.
This whole situation deserves my favorite 4-letter "F" word....
FAIL.