No post. What's up with that? I haven't had much to write about, really.
I've done a lot. I think I made it thru my hectic AP class this semester. I'm caught up with my credits (yay!), and all without nerve pills. lol. I thought I was going to need them for Elliott's exam. I was for real about 2 seconds from a panic attack. Anyway, I don't really have anything else to write about.
WAIT! Skeeeeeeeeeeeeert! I do.
Haha. You're not going to believe this. For some strange reason, I was talking to Carter last night about kids. Me. Kids. HAHA! Whoda thunk?! But yes, one day, I do want a kid. A kid. Not like, fivehundredmillionthousandtrillion. One. Uno. Just one that I can spoil. lol. Another little twisted me running around. lol. It scares the crap out of Carter. And really, me too, but that's only for right now. I don't want one right now. A few years down the road (like, when im 25-30) I'll have one, but nowhere near right now! I already act like a mom to several people. And I guess I'm not too bad at it. lol. I just think I'd be a bad mom. I'd do something to botch it up.
But anyway. Later kiddos. :D
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Seenyuhhhh.
This year has been crazy, and it's only been five weeks.
I can't explain now. I'm off to bed. :D
I can't explain now. I'm off to bed. :D
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I Feel Like Death
And that's just one of my issues. I seriously think that I'm manic depressive. One minute I'm fine and dandy, the next minute I'm crying my eyes out over something. The next minute I'm just fine again. Wtf.
And, Britany and I got into another fight. About a guy that she "likes". She asked me my opinion. I gave it to her. She says I have no basis so therefore I'm wrong. I have my own basis. And besides, if you're going to ask my opinion, at least listen to what I have to say.
And, I had my first mental breakdown of the 2009-2010 school year. I cried. And I almost broke up with Carter. We talked about it, and we're still together, thank goodness. I'd've felt much worse if I had broken up with him. For real.
And, Guard is starting to really piss me off. Mrs Myers keeps changing shit around, Mr. E keeps changing shit around, none of the new girls do anything but sit around, all the vets are now the pack mules and work horses, we can't get anything accomplished at practice b/c everyone is too busy taking care of their own personal shit or just not showing up to practice, we have two practices left before our first performance and we don't know the end of one routine and the rest of the other one that we're actually putting on the field. Phew. That's a lot.
And, I feel so sick right now. My right eye feels like someone is stabbing thru it with an ice pick, I feel sick to my stomach, I can barely walk b/c I'm shaking so much, and I'm hotter than Hell itself. I can't sit up for more than five minutes without feeling like hurling, and I don't know what's causing it.
And, I have a dumbass for a teacher. I've got so much work to do at one time for this man and he keeps piling more on the pile. We've only been in school two weeks and I'm already having mental breakdowns (as the one mentioned earlier) and I think this is turning into another one.
Anyone want to help?
And, Britany and I got into another fight. About a guy that she "likes". She asked me my opinion. I gave it to her. She says I have no basis so therefore I'm wrong. I have my own basis. And besides, if you're going to ask my opinion, at least listen to what I have to say.
And, I had my first mental breakdown of the 2009-2010 school year. I cried. And I almost broke up with Carter. We talked about it, and we're still together, thank goodness. I'd've felt much worse if I had broken up with him. For real.
And, Guard is starting to really piss me off. Mrs Myers keeps changing shit around, Mr. E keeps changing shit around, none of the new girls do anything but sit around, all the vets are now the pack mules and work horses, we can't get anything accomplished at practice b/c everyone is too busy taking care of their own personal shit or just not showing up to practice, we have two practices left before our first performance and we don't know the end of one routine and the rest of the other one that we're actually putting on the field. Phew. That's a lot.
And, I feel so sick right now. My right eye feels like someone is stabbing thru it with an ice pick, I feel sick to my stomach, I can barely walk b/c I'm shaking so much, and I'm hotter than Hell itself. I can't sit up for more than five minutes without feeling like hurling, and I don't know what's causing it.
And, I have a dumbass for a teacher. I've got so much work to do at one time for this man and he keeps piling more on the pile. We've only been in school two weeks and I'm already having mental breakdowns (as the one mentioned earlier) and I think this is turning into another one.
Anyone want to help?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Man Oh Man.
Wow. It has been a while, avid readers, but oh, has a lot happened. I've been up and down and back and forth and every direction at once. This summer has been a crazy one. I don't even know what to start with. Let me start with what has been weighing the heaviest on my mind. This guy. I can't stand the sight of him. I mean, seriously. He and I dated for a little less than two months. We fought, and broke up. Whoop-dee, right? Unfortunately, no. That was one of the worst times in my life. Everything that has happened to me since then has been b/c of who I changed into after him. I'm the crazy, self-hating, neurotic bitch that I am today b/c of that little fucker. Anyway. He and I haven't been together for a long time. We don't really talk anymore. I play nice when I have to, but that's it. Well, he's in band and I'm on the color guard, so it's inevitable that we'll have to deal with each other. This all started at Carter's birthday party. We were both there. I swear to you he was staring at me. He swears he wasn't. Then, band camp starts. I stay after one day and sit w/ Britany. When he's not playing, he's staring. I think he's starting to realize what he skipped out on. what I want, tho, as I just realized, is my old best friend back. My best guy friend. Our friendship used to be effortless. We could just hang out and everything would be fine. No problems. None. I want that back. I want that effortless joking. The effortless friendship. Can I have that back? Or is it too late? Am I too late? Have I already screwed things up so badly so that I can't have my best friend back? Am I what you say I am? Am I? Can I forgive you? Can you forgive me? Can we have our effortless friendship back and just forget the past? I can't take back anything I've said, even though I think about it every day and always regret what I have said to you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. How could I? No one's perfect, and I'm the least perfect of them all. I don't know what to do, honestly. I want to forgive and be forgiven, but there is that one part of me that says not to. I just want my best friend back, despite what I tell myself. That's all I want. In a perfect world, I know this would happen. But this isn't a perfect world.
I'll save the other stuff for another day.
I'll save the other stuff for another day.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
F-A-I-L. My Favorite 4-Letter "F" Word...
Why did I title this "Fail"?
Because. I'm sick of everything right about now.
My boyfriend complains about my best friend being a bitch.
My best friend complains about how I spend too much time with my boyfriend.
She also complains about my band.
I'm not sure I can handle being in this band.
We never do anything, and when we DO finally do something, it sounds awful b/c we can't all go the same speed. That drives me nuts.
I've got too much drama around me.
I'm tired of it.
I need an escape.
This whole situation deserves my favorite 4-letter "F" word....
FAIL.
Because. I'm sick of everything right about now.
My boyfriend complains about my best friend being a bitch.
My best friend complains about how I spend too much time with my boyfriend.
She also complains about my band.
I'm not sure I can handle being in this band.
We never do anything, and when we DO finally do something, it sounds awful b/c we can't all go the same speed. That drives me nuts.
I've got too much drama around me.
I'm tired of it.
I need an escape.
This whole situation deserves my favorite 4-letter "F" word....
FAIL.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
*Sigh*
"I have already been replaced for the most part, why not just go ahead and make Carter's full-time job your best friend and boyfriend."
Britany.
For the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH time.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Here, let me say it again.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?
Now, let me explain.
It is so much harder for me now because
1) My parents suck
2) I have more than three people to have to please all the time.
3) I can't make everyone happy, as hard as I may try.
I think that about covers that.
What would ever give you the idea that I'm replacing you? B/c I visit Carter all the time and not you? Well, I try to balance it. I really do. But if I see him less often, he gets paranoid that I'm avoiding him, and if I visit you less often, you think I'm replacing you. I can't find the balance. I can't make things work anymore. I don't know what to do. I try, and I try, and I try, and it obviously doesn't work with you. I'm sorry that you feel that this friendship isn't worth the time we've put into it.
Now, on to the "I can't help you" thing. Your advice isn't wrong....if it were trying to effect someone else. What you have yet to understand is it doesn't matter what I try, it doesn't work. It honest to God doesn't work. Talking to her does nothing. You can try to reason with her until you're blue in the face and it won't move her one bit. That much is obvious, seeing as how I have tried it before. Remember that day I had you and your mom come get me? We "talked", me, Dad and Mel. Nothing has changed. She's still just as bitchy and unfair as she was before. She always will be. You can't change something like that. And I've told you before, I won't try it because 1) it won't work and 2) if I do try it, it'll piss her off and that's not something you want to see, or live with.
You're good for a lot of things, Britany. But anymore all you've done is bitch at me about something or other. I piss you off, but I'm trying my hardest not to, dammit. I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone. If I please one person, I piss someone else off. It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in the middle of it. I want out of it, but there is no escape, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is not do anything. Just sit at home like a hermit: no friends, no life, nothing. Just sleep, eat, and clean. Then I can't piss anyone off. Unfortunately, I'm not capable of that. I have to have people in my life. I have to have someone to talk to. I have to have someone to love. I have to have some kind of escape from the monotony that is teenage life in a small town. That's where the people that I keep pissing off come in. They are a necessity, but they are also a hinderance. I cannot move forward because I am always bending over backwards to please So and so. And bending over backwards to please So and so pisses off Whats-her-face. Trying to please So and so and Whats-her-face pisses off Whosamaflingy. And so on, and so on. I can't escape from this. I want to so badly. But I can't.
I don't want to be your biggest enemy, Britany. I don't. But if that is where you want me to go, then I guess I have no choice. I don't know what else to say. I can't know what to say. There is no way to convince you otherwise, I guess. I am truly sorry. We've grown apart in the last three months. Why is that? I....don't know what else to say. Honestly. I don't.
This isn't it, dammit. So take back that damn goodbye.
Britany.
For the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH time.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Here, let me say it again.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?
Now, let me explain.
It is so much harder for me now because
1) My parents suck
2) I have more than three people to have to please all the time.
3) I can't make everyone happy, as hard as I may try.
I think that about covers that.
What would ever give you the idea that I'm replacing you? B/c I visit Carter all the time and not you? Well, I try to balance it. I really do. But if I see him less often, he gets paranoid that I'm avoiding him, and if I visit you less often, you think I'm replacing you. I can't find the balance. I can't make things work anymore. I don't know what to do. I try, and I try, and I try, and it obviously doesn't work with you. I'm sorry that you feel that this friendship isn't worth the time we've put into it.
Now, on to the "I can't help you" thing. Your advice isn't wrong....if it were trying to effect someone else. What you have yet to understand is it doesn't matter what I try, it doesn't work. It honest to God doesn't work. Talking to her does nothing. You can try to reason with her until you're blue in the face and it won't move her one bit. That much is obvious, seeing as how I have tried it before. Remember that day I had you and your mom come get me? We "talked", me, Dad and Mel. Nothing has changed. She's still just as bitchy and unfair as she was before. She always will be. You can't change something like that. And I've told you before, I won't try it because 1) it won't work and 2) if I do try it, it'll piss her off and that's not something you want to see, or live with.
You're good for a lot of things, Britany. But anymore all you've done is bitch at me about something or other. I piss you off, but I'm trying my hardest not to, dammit. I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone. If I please one person, I piss someone else off. It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in the middle of it. I want out of it, but there is no escape, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is not do anything. Just sit at home like a hermit: no friends, no life, nothing. Just sleep, eat, and clean. Then I can't piss anyone off. Unfortunately, I'm not capable of that. I have to have people in my life. I have to have someone to talk to. I have to have someone to love. I have to have some kind of escape from the monotony that is teenage life in a small town. That's where the people that I keep pissing off come in. They are a necessity, but they are also a hinderance. I cannot move forward because I am always bending over backwards to please So and so. And bending over backwards to please So and so pisses off Whats-her-face. Trying to please So and so and Whats-her-face pisses off Whosamaflingy. And so on, and so on. I can't escape from this. I want to so badly. But I can't.
I don't want to be your biggest enemy, Britany. I don't. But if that is where you want me to go, then I guess I have no choice. I don't know what else to say. I can't know what to say. There is no way to convince you otherwise, I guess. I am truly sorry. We've grown apart in the last three months. Why is that? I....don't know what else to say. Honestly. I don't.
This isn't it, dammit. So take back that damn goodbye.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Well,
We're obviously not doing each other any good, Britany.
And I don't think that my about me section needs to be revised, thank you.
So maybe I have changed, and I think it's for the better.
If you don't like it, then whatever.
Just STFU about it and leave me alone.
And I don't think that my about me section needs to be revised, thank you.
So maybe I have changed, and I think it's for the better.
If you don't like it, then whatever.
Just STFU about it and leave me alone.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
No, Britany, I suck at life.
i cant meet people's expectations, i cant meet my own expectations, i cant do anything right, im just a failure
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Dumbass Ignorant People...
Love is love. Okay? It SHOULDN'T matter who it's between: two guys, two girls, two white people, a black and a white person, a Chinese and a Mexican...IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. Unfortunately, it does. But why? What is so wrong with interracial or gay/lesbian couples? NOTHING. Honestly, nothing is wrong with them. Someone once told me "You can't control who you fall in love with." I may be young, and some people out there may think I'm stupid, and I don't care if you do, but that makes a helluva lot of sense to me. I mean, love is love no matter how you look at it, dammit. Who says you can't love a black man if you're a white woman? (Not including Michael Jackson...It's just creepy. :D I thought I'd throw a joke in.) Who says you can't love another man if you're gay, or another woman if you're a lesbian? WHO SAYS? Nobody says. Just some stupid, ignorant people who have some idiotic supremest idea that love has rules. Love doesn't have rules. You can't pick and choose who you love. It doesn't work that way, guys. You just have to let it happen. Go with the flow. Don't stress. Love is a risk, but some people out there are making others take more risks than are necessary to find the one that they love. Don't be that guy. Okay? Don't be the one that makes things harder than they should be. Let people love who they want to love. Don't give them issues. Just let it go. It's their choice to make, and if you really care about someone, you should support their decisions. I have gay/lesbian friends. I have white friends that love black people. I have black friends that love white people. It doesn't matter what the color is, or the gender. What matters is the love. I support my friends b/c they love someone. I support love, no matter what it looks like. Appearances don't matter. Never judge a book by its cover. It might just be something you like.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Holy Crap....
I've only got one year left. It's official..
I'm a SENIOR. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Class of OhTen.
Hahaha.
That sounds stupid. So we're just gonna go with Class of Ten, baby. :D
So as I'm sitting here, eating my yummeh watermelon and looking at my class ring I got back today, I realized that I was wearing it the wrong way. The "10" is supposed to be towards me now, not the "20". Scary. Yesterday I was in first grade. Today I'm a senior. Where'd the time go?
I'm a SENIOR. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Class of OhTen.
Hahaha.
That sounds stupid. So we're just gonna go with Class of Ten, baby. :D
So as I'm sitting here, eating my yummeh watermelon and looking at my class ring I got back today, I realized that I was wearing it the wrong way. The "10" is supposed to be towards me now, not the "20". Scary. Yesterday I was in first grade. Today I'm a senior. Where'd the time go?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Can I finally say this?
I think I can....
To You,
I hate you. It's as simple as that. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of acting like I still like you and respect you. I really don't. I'm the basket case I am today because of my actions, yes, but they were influenced by you. I hate you for what you made me do. I hate you for who I've become. I hate you for the choices I've made. I may say I've forgiven you, but I don't think I ever can. You've hurt me too much. I can't stand who I am anymore. And it's all your fault. You made me feel the way I do. You've caused me all the problems I've had of late. I'm not sorry for saying this. I'm just glad that I can finally vocalize it after how long now? Too long. You were once my best friend. Didn't that mean something to you? I was wrong to assume it did. It was wrong of me to assume that you actually cared about me. I have been right in assuming that you are a complete asshole. I don't care that you'll never see this. I don't care that the only people who are going to read this are Britany, Rachy, and Liam (and Idk about him...), what I do care about is that I am finally strong enough to say to you what I've wanted to say to you for so long. I don't care if we never speak again. I really don't. I'm long past caring. Had none of this happened, had you not jumped to conclusions, had I not cared as much as I did, we would probably still be best friends right now. But we're not. At one time, the strained cordialness between us would have bothered me. Now I prefer we not talk at all. Things seem to work better that way. I'm not going to say goodbye, because it's not even worth it. What I will say is that I hate you, and I'm not sorry for it. This is an ending. A closing to a chapter of my life that has been past due to end. Now that it's finally closed, there is no going back, and I'm glad. I've finally and completely moved on after over a year. Good riddance is all I really have to say.
To You,
I hate you. It's as simple as that. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of acting like I still like you and respect you. I really don't. I'm the basket case I am today because of my actions, yes, but they were influenced by you. I hate you for what you made me do. I hate you for who I've become. I hate you for the choices I've made. I may say I've forgiven you, but I don't think I ever can. You've hurt me too much. I can't stand who I am anymore. And it's all your fault. You made me feel the way I do. You've caused me all the problems I've had of late. I'm not sorry for saying this. I'm just glad that I can finally vocalize it after how long now? Too long. You were once my best friend. Didn't that mean something to you? I was wrong to assume it did. It was wrong of me to assume that you actually cared about me. I have been right in assuming that you are a complete asshole. I don't care that you'll never see this. I don't care that the only people who are going to read this are Britany, Rachy, and Liam (and Idk about him...), what I do care about is that I am finally strong enough to say to you what I've wanted to say to you for so long. I don't care if we never speak again. I really don't. I'm long past caring. Had none of this happened, had you not jumped to conclusions, had I not cared as much as I did, we would probably still be best friends right now. But we're not. At one time, the strained cordialness between us would have bothered me. Now I prefer we not talk at all. Things seem to work better that way. I'm not going to say goodbye, because it's not even worth it. What I will say is that I hate you, and I'm not sorry for it. This is an ending. A closing to a chapter of my life that has been past due to end. Now that it's finally closed, there is no going back, and I'm glad. I've finally and completely moved on after over a year. Good riddance is all I really have to say.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Fuck This Shit.
I'm done with all this bullshit. Seriously. I can't do anything anymore without someone complaining. So you know what?
I'm done with all the bitching.
So just leave me the fuck alone.
This has been a long time coming. All you do is bitch and complain about what I do. I can't do anything to appease you anymore. I try, and BOOM, you bitch at me some more about something else. I'm annoying? You're fucking annoying. Fuck you, okay? I'm done.
I'm done with all the bitching.
So just leave me the fuck alone.
This has been a long time coming. All you do is bitch and complain about what I do. I can't do anything to appease you anymore. I try, and BOOM, you bitch at me some more about something else. I'm annoying? You're fucking annoying. Fuck you, okay? I'm done.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Things Are Always Changing, There's Nothing I Can Do To Change It.
Wow.
Just, wow.
It hasn't really hit me until recently, but I'm really unsure of what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to be with him forever, and I want to be a photographer, and I want so many things! But, I mean, I'm not sure if all of those things are what I want. All I know is I had better figure it out pretty damn quick. Why? Because in TWO WEEKS I'm going to be a senior in high school. That means I have one more year until I dive feet first into the "real world" that everyone talks about. "One day, I won't be here to do all this for you. You need to start learning now. I won't be there for you when you're out there in the real world," they always say. What do they know? How many kids are really ready for the "real world" by the time they finish high school? Yes, they have jobs and they have cars and they have different responsibilities, but who is really ready? Most kids don't know how to fend for themselves. Most don't even know how to do their own laundry and always bring a month's worth of laundry home to Mommy so that they finally have clean clothes to wear instead of having to recycle clothes. It's sad to me that I'll be leaving the safe haven that is my home in a little more than 365 days. It's sad that, after high school, all my friends are gonna go off and do big things with their lives and I'll probably be stuck here in BFE for the rest of forever. I know I want to go places. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Greece, London, Scotland, Ireland. Just, EVERYWHERE... But, how am I going to get there? I want to go all these places and do all these things, but I don't know where to start. How do I get there? Who do I have to trick to get me there? What do I have to do? I want to make a difference. I want to do something big. I want, I want, I want. Shouldn't I have learned by now that I can want all I want, but I'm probably never going to get it? Shouldn't I have learned that I can work as hard as I want to, as hard as I need to, but I'll probably never get to see all the places I want to see, and I'll never get to do all the things I want to do? I shouldn't say I want, because I'll never get. Does anybody get what I'm saying? Probably not. You all probably just think I'm some mixed up crazy 17 year old girl trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I'm trying to be a drama queen. I'm really not. In my head, I'm screaming for help. I'm terrified of what the future might hold for me. I hate not knowing things, but I don't know what's going to happen in the future. That realization scares the living hell out of me. What do I do? I can't answer these questions, and I really don't know of anyone that actually can. For all I know, everything that is constant in my life right now could instantly vanish before my eyes. My friends, my love, my passions, my everything, POOF. It could all just disappear if I look away. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. That possibility, that teensy spec of unknown, could ruin everything.
Something happened today. Carter and I were in my car, and we were driving back to his house after practice today. I did something, but he didn't see it, and I wouldn't do it again. Carter is one of those guys who has to know everything, and if you don't tell him something, he assumes the worst. But, I mean, I usually tell him everything, so it isn't a problem. Anyway, I was just dancing in my car (I usually do, and I do it while I'm driving, but don't be alarmed, I still have at least one hand on the wheel!!!) and Carter didn't see all of it, so he asked me to do it again. I said I didn't want to. After a good ten minutes of that back and forth (jokingly), he got really quiet. He usually doesn't do that. So I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. Then he told me he was joking when he didn't answer me. We did that all the way up his driveway (which can be pretty long). I thought everything was okay. Then, when we were in his room, he did it again. I was laying on his bed, and then he moved to the floor. After that was all over with, we laughed b/c we were just joking. But in all seriousness, if something like that were to REALLY happen, I would have been crying by that point. I would have thought that I had made him mad, and I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me. What if that were real? The fact that he loves me more than anything in this world could change in an INSTANT. I could do or say something wrong, and he could just stop loving me. What would I do then? I don't know what I would do. I probably wouldn't do anything. [SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON YET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO KEEP READING.]I'd be screwed worse than Bella was when Edward left in New Moon. I wouldn't have a purpose anymore, really. I'm so used to having someone always there for me who ISN'T my bestest buddy Brituhknee that if that were suddenly taken from me, I'd go into shock. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. I probably wouldn't even be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to lead a normal life. [SPOILER OVER. YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW, EVERYBODY] So yeah. It just scares me that it could happen. It scares me that anything could change how I am right now. I'm so happy where I am. I've got someone who loves me unconditionally, I've got awesome friends, I'm five months away from legally being an adult. What could be better? To think that something could change all this scares me so badly. Some nights I lie awake and think "What could happen to change all this?"
Knowwhutimsayin? But I'm gonna stop for now b/c if I keep thinking about this, I'll start crying, and I've pretty much written a book by this point anyway.
Just, wow.
It hasn't really hit me until recently, but I'm really unsure of what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to be with him forever, and I want to be a photographer, and I want so many things! But, I mean, I'm not sure if all of those things are what I want. All I know is I had better figure it out pretty damn quick. Why? Because in TWO WEEKS I'm going to be a senior in high school. That means I have one more year until I dive feet first into the "real world" that everyone talks about. "One day, I won't be here to do all this for you. You need to start learning now. I won't be there for you when you're out there in the real world," they always say. What do they know? How many kids are really ready for the "real world" by the time they finish high school? Yes, they have jobs and they have cars and they have different responsibilities, but who is really ready? Most kids don't know how to fend for themselves. Most don't even know how to do their own laundry and always bring a month's worth of laundry home to Mommy so that they finally have clean clothes to wear instead of having to recycle clothes. It's sad to me that I'll be leaving the safe haven that is my home in a little more than 365 days. It's sad that, after high school, all my friends are gonna go off and do big things with their lives and I'll probably be stuck here in BFE for the rest of forever. I know I want to go places. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Greece, London, Scotland, Ireland. Just, EVERYWHERE... But, how am I going to get there? I want to go all these places and do all these things, but I don't know where to start. How do I get there? Who do I have to trick to get me there? What do I have to do? I want to make a difference. I want to do something big. I want, I want, I want. Shouldn't I have learned by now that I can want all I want, but I'm probably never going to get it? Shouldn't I have learned that I can work as hard as I want to, as hard as I need to, but I'll probably never get to see all the places I want to see, and I'll never get to do all the things I want to do? I shouldn't say I want, because I'll never get. Does anybody get what I'm saying? Probably not. You all probably just think I'm some mixed up crazy 17 year old girl trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I'm trying to be a drama queen. I'm really not. In my head, I'm screaming for help. I'm terrified of what the future might hold for me. I hate not knowing things, but I don't know what's going to happen in the future. That realization scares the living hell out of me. What do I do? I can't answer these questions, and I really don't know of anyone that actually can. For all I know, everything that is constant in my life right now could instantly vanish before my eyes. My friends, my love, my passions, my everything, POOF. It could all just disappear if I look away. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. That possibility, that teensy spec of unknown, could ruin everything.
Something happened today. Carter and I were in my car, and we were driving back to his house after practice today. I did something, but he didn't see it, and I wouldn't do it again. Carter is one of those guys who has to know everything, and if you don't tell him something, he assumes the worst. But, I mean, I usually tell him everything, so it isn't a problem. Anyway, I was just dancing in my car (I usually do, and I do it while I'm driving, but don't be alarmed, I still have at least one hand on the wheel!!!) and Carter didn't see all of it, so he asked me to do it again. I said I didn't want to. After a good ten minutes of that back and forth (jokingly), he got really quiet. He usually doesn't do that. So I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. Then he told me he was joking when he didn't answer me. We did that all the way up his driveway (which can be pretty long). I thought everything was okay. Then, when we were in his room, he did it again. I was laying on his bed, and then he moved to the floor. After that was all over with, we laughed b/c we were just joking. But in all seriousness, if something like that were to REALLY happen, I would have been crying by that point. I would have thought that I had made him mad, and I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me. What if that were real? The fact that he loves me more than anything in this world could change in an INSTANT. I could do or say something wrong, and he could just stop loving me. What would I do then? I don't know what I would do. I probably wouldn't do anything. [SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON YET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO KEEP READING.]I'd be screwed worse than Bella was when Edward left in New Moon. I wouldn't have a purpose anymore, really. I'm so used to having someone always there for me who ISN'T my bestest buddy Brituhknee that if that were suddenly taken from me, I'd go into shock. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. I probably wouldn't even be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to lead a normal life. [SPOILER OVER. YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW, EVERYBODY] So yeah. It just scares me that it could happen. It scares me that anything could change how I am right now. I'm so happy where I am. I've got someone who loves me unconditionally, I've got awesome friends, I'm five months away from legally being an adult. What could be better? To think that something could change all this scares me so badly. Some nights I lie awake and think "What could happen to change all this?"
Knowwhutimsayin? But I'm gonna stop for now b/c if I keep thinking about this, I'll start crying, and I've pretty much written a book by this point anyway.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
<3
The Adventures of Katie and Carter.
So, for those of my avid readers who don't know, I'm dating the greatest guy on the friggin' planet. Carter Heptinstall (future husband?, pre-fiancee? hahaha. I love that word) is friggin' awesome. He's so sweet, and funny as all get out, and he's actually not an asshole! YAAAAAY!
So yeah, I'm happy, and I've never been happier. And honestly, there isn't a thing that anyone in the world can do to stop it. We go together like Oreo's and Milk. Like two peas in a pod, we're stuck together. And, I mean, it's crazy! We have seriously only been dating for almost two months, and we already know we're gonna be together for the rest of forever. =] And, for the first time in my short little life, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no problem with that.
So, to you: I love you with everything I've got, and then some, and forever never sounded so good. <3 Ily CarterBoo. :D
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Damn Dirty Sexist Bastards.
Okay. So, I'm sure you're all imagining "wtf? sexist bastards?" So, I think I should e'splain.
A friend of mine is in a band. A heavy metal band, might I add. Now, normally I don't sing much heavy metal (hardly any at all), but I really think I could do it. I've been able to handle anything that anyone can throw at me, so why not this? Anyway, so my friend asked me if I would sing in their band. I was like "Sure, why not?" So, today, my friend told two of the guys that are in the band with him that I might be singing with them. Those two guys go "If she sings, we're out."
Now, here's where it get's sticky. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend, the one with whom I was having a very nasty email conversation with in the past (See "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with All the He Said She Said" parts One and Two for more details.) So, he and I have a bit of a history, but we don't really have a problem with each other anymore. (So I thought...) The other guy is my ex's best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean one is stuck up the other's ass so far that the only thing hanging out is their toes. So if one goes, so does the other because apparently they don't have the capability to have their own personal opinions and they have to rely on each other to form a damn coherent sentence. Sorry, I got a little carried away. I do that when I'm rather angry.
I was told that they said that if I joined their heavy metal band that it wouldn't be like a real heavy metal band. Now, how the fuck did they come to that conclusion? I mean, that statement could be taken one of two ways, from how I see it.
One) They are damn dirty sexist bastards that think that girls can't handle heavy metal music
or
Two) They think that my voice SUCKS and they don't want to be a part of any project that would involve my vocal skills.
Either way, that totally fucking sucks and both are really STUPID reasons to just leave your friends that you formed a band with out to dry. I mean, who fucking does that? I'll tell you who does that: someone who is too stuck up to realize that a little more talent never hurt anyone. Someone who doesn't realize that GIRLS CAN DO IT JUST AS WELL AS GUYS CAN, DAMMIT, AND THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A FUCKING CHANCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO TURN TAIL AND HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE. STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE.
I honestly think that they were trying to say that because I'm a girl that I couldn't possibly handle what heavy metal has to offer. Bullshit. I can do it just as well as the next guy could. And honestly, I really think I could do it better than the one who has is head shoved up the other's ass.
And what honestly makes me laugh is that the other three guys in the band are IN LOVE with the idea of me singing. They think it'll be great! But these two damn dirty sexist bastards just have to come along and piss me the fuck off and tell me (well, really, tell my friend. he couldn't POSSIBLY have the balls to tell ME this) that they won't do something that they enjoy just because I'm doing it.
Ha, I just had a thought as I was writing that last line. What if they chose not to do something they enjoy anymore because I'M doing it. In which case, I have to say to them: FUCK OFF and get the fuck over yourselves. I have no damn problem with you guys, but you're going to go and fuck your friends over just because I'm there. That's fucking stupid. We are all almost adults here, and it's obvious who the more mature person is in this situation. Grow the fuck up, and get over your damn selves. You obviously don't know how stupid and fucking immature you sound right now.
I think I'm about done with all this now. I don't really have anything else to say, other than to tell those to to fuck off, and to tell the other guys thanks for thinking I can do it. Okay?
=]
Peacee.
-KayTay.
A friend of mine is in a band. A heavy metal band, might I add. Now, normally I don't sing much heavy metal (hardly any at all), but I really think I could do it. I've been able to handle anything that anyone can throw at me, so why not this? Anyway, so my friend asked me if I would sing in their band. I was like "Sure, why not?" So, today, my friend told two of the guys that are in the band with him that I might be singing with them. Those two guys go "If she sings, we're out."
Now, here's where it get's sticky. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend, the one with whom I was having a very nasty email conversation with in the past (See "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with All the He Said She Said" parts One and Two for more details.) So, he and I have a bit of a history, but we don't really have a problem with each other anymore. (So I thought...) The other guy is my ex's best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean one is stuck up the other's ass so far that the only thing hanging out is their toes. So if one goes, so does the other because apparently they don't have the capability to have their own personal opinions and they have to rely on each other to form a damn coherent sentence. Sorry, I got a little carried away. I do that when I'm rather angry.
I was told that they said that if I joined their heavy metal band that it wouldn't be like a real heavy metal band. Now, how the fuck did they come to that conclusion? I mean, that statement could be taken one of two ways, from how I see it.
One) They are damn dirty sexist bastards that think that girls can't handle heavy metal music
or
Two) They think that my voice SUCKS and they don't want to be a part of any project that would involve my vocal skills.
Either way, that totally fucking sucks and both are really STUPID reasons to just leave your friends that you formed a band with out to dry. I mean, who fucking does that? I'll tell you who does that: someone who is too stuck up to realize that a little more talent never hurt anyone. Someone who doesn't realize that GIRLS CAN DO IT JUST AS WELL AS GUYS CAN, DAMMIT, AND THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A FUCKING CHANCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO TURN TAIL AND HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE. STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE.
I honestly think that they were trying to say that because I'm a girl that I couldn't possibly handle what heavy metal has to offer. Bullshit. I can do it just as well as the next guy could. And honestly, I really think I could do it better than the one who has is head shoved up the other's ass.
And what honestly makes me laugh is that the other three guys in the band are IN LOVE with the idea of me singing. They think it'll be great! But these two damn dirty sexist bastards just have to come along and piss me the fuck off and tell me (well, really, tell my friend. he couldn't POSSIBLY have the balls to tell ME this) that they won't do something that they enjoy just because I'm doing it.
Ha, I just had a thought as I was writing that last line. What if they chose not to do something they enjoy anymore because I'M doing it. In which case, I have to say to them: FUCK OFF and get the fuck over yourselves. I have no damn problem with you guys, but you're going to go and fuck your friends over just because I'm there. That's fucking stupid. We are all almost adults here, and it's obvious who the more mature person is in this situation. Grow the fuck up, and get over your damn selves. You obviously don't know how stupid and fucking immature you sound right now.
I think I'm about done with all this now. I don't really have anything else to say, other than to tell those to to fuck off, and to tell the other guys thanks for thinking I can do it. Okay?
=]
Peacee.
-KayTay.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Moment...
I so just had a moment. And not a very good one.
I realized (again) that I graduate high school next year. And, to be honest, that scares the living shit out of me. For pretty much all my years of exsistence I've been in school and I've always had something to do and always been told to do stuff and yada yada yada. As of May 22, 2010, that's no more. I don't know if I'm ready for that. And then, when I get to really thinking about that, I don't know what I'm ready for. I also don't know what'll happen to me after high school. I mean, you always hear about people leaving right after high school and going off and doing their own thing and all this jive, and never hearing from their high school friends ever again. I don't want that to happen. I mean, my high school friends are the awesomest ones anyone could ever ask for. I mean, I have friends that run into other people's classrooms just to get a phone number for me (jerkface. lol.) I've got friends that, even though they can be douchebags, are freaking hilarious to hang out with b/c they are always doing something retarded (I think I can forgive you now... I've got someone else to be mad at. haha. j/k about the mad part.) I've got friends who can laugh at the word "spoo-en" with me (or "Jesus Saves at Walmart"!!). All my friends are so friggin diverse that they keep all the random parts of me in check. I've got friends who do the greatest things for me, and I mean all of them at this point. They're all so great, and I'm just afraid that, after May 22, I'm never gonna hear from any of them again. I'm not gonna get to see them every day, and laugh at their stupidity every day. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope it holds the fact that I still talk to my high school friends.
I also had another realization during this moment...
I'm gonna grow up some day. I'm gonna grow up and be just as crabby as my mother and as goofy as my father (if I'm not already). I'm gonna be just as crazy as my sister, as retarded as my brother, make just as poor decisions as everyone in my family has before me. I want to be different, but we all know how well that's gonna work out. And, I mean, all I've ever known is being "a kid." That's all I've ever done, and I don't know how to do anything else better. I know I'm legally 9 months away from adulthood, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna BE an adult in 9 months. I'm friggin terrified to know what in God's name I'll become when I'm older. Who ISN'T scared of their future?
I realized (again) that I graduate high school next year. And, to be honest, that scares the living shit out of me. For pretty much all my years of exsistence I've been in school and I've always had something to do and always been told to do stuff and yada yada yada. As of May 22, 2010, that's no more. I don't know if I'm ready for that. And then, when I get to really thinking about that, I don't know what I'm ready for. I also don't know what'll happen to me after high school. I mean, you always hear about people leaving right after high school and going off and doing their own thing and all this jive, and never hearing from their high school friends ever again. I don't want that to happen. I mean, my high school friends are the awesomest ones anyone could ever ask for. I mean, I have friends that run into other people's classrooms just to get a phone number for me (jerkface. lol.) I've got friends that, even though they can be douchebags, are freaking hilarious to hang out with b/c they are always doing something retarded (I think I can forgive you now... I've got someone else to be mad at. haha. j/k about the mad part.) I've got friends who can laugh at the word "spoo-en" with me (or "Jesus Saves at Walmart"!!). All my friends are so friggin diverse that they keep all the random parts of me in check. I've got friends who do the greatest things for me, and I mean all of them at this point. They're all so great, and I'm just afraid that, after May 22, I'm never gonna hear from any of them again. I'm not gonna get to see them every day, and laugh at their stupidity every day. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope it holds the fact that I still talk to my high school friends.
I also had another realization during this moment...
I'm gonna grow up some day. I'm gonna grow up and be just as crabby as my mother and as goofy as my father (if I'm not already). I'm gonna be just as crazy as my sister, as retarded as my brother, make just as poor decisions as everyone in my family has before me. I want to be different, but we all know how well that's gonna work out. And, I mean, all I've ever known is being "a kid." That's all I've ever done, and I don't know how to do anything else better. I know I'm legally 9 months away from adulthood, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna BE an adult in 9 months. I'm friggin terrified to know what in God's name I'll become when I'm older. Who ISN'T scared of their future?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I'm NOT As Stupid As I May Seem...
Did you really think that you play me for stupid? I mean, really. I'm not as stupid as I may come off. I'm really not. Did you really think that you could get away with trying to go to prom with me, or whatever you may have been thinking, while you have a friggin girlfriend?
HAHA! You must underestimate me.
I have my ways of finding things out. I have my ways of knowing things. And I, unless you have forgotten, am a WOMAN, and can hold a grudge UNTIL I DIE. I've told someone else this before you, but hey, I'm gonna tell you too. I'm a woman who can hold a grudge. Don't think I'm going to forget this any time this CENTURY, really. I'm not even playing with you anymore. You arent worth my time, and I am so glad I found this out before I got in too deep. Thank God.
So yeah, I wouldnt even bother trying to do anything, like make amends. It would just be a waste of both of our time.
To the kidds who helped me find all this out:
THANKYOU!!!
HAHA! You must underestimate me.
I have my ways of finding things out. I have my ways of knowing things. And I, unless you have forgotten, am a WOMAN, and can hold a grudge UNTIL I DIE. I've told someone else this before you, but hey, I'm gonna tell you too. I'm a woman who can hold a grudge. Don't think I'm going to forget this any time this CENTURY, really. I'm not even playing with you anymore. You arent worth my time, and I am so glad I found this out before I got in too deep. Thank God.
So yeah, I wouldnt even bother trying to do anything, like make amends. It would just be a waste of both of our time.
To the kidds who helped me find all this out:
THANKYOU!!!
Friday, January 30, 2009
What Happened to "Love Takes Time"?
I've always been more on the observant side. So, these past few months, I've noticed that many a person will start dating someone, and within a two week period, they will be claiming that they love such and such and that they are going to be with so and so forever. Now, call me old fashioned, but that just doesnt make ANY kind of sense to me. Since when do you know that youre going to be with someone forever in, say, two weeks? I mean, get real. That isnt love. That is lust. I mean, love isnt something that you can just fall into one day and fall out of the next. To really love someone, you have to know them for a while. You have to have been with them for a while. You have to pretty much know each other heart and soul. And, last time I checked, you cant do that in two weeks. Getting to know someone takes more than just asking them about themselves, or reading their "About Me" on myspace or whatever. To really know someone, you have to be able to say that when their laughing, they twitch their right eye or something. (I dont actually know someone that does that, I just made that up.) For you to be able to say you know someone, you should be able to tell me what they do when they fall asleep at night, or how they sneeze, you know, just the smallest things. Love is the same way. You have to know everything about that person, and, with TIME, come to love and cherish all those little things that they do, like twitch their right eye when they laugh. And when you're apart from them, you miss all of the little things that they do. Even the little things that drive you absolutely INSANE and that you wish they would stop doing. If you really think about it, if the person you loved stopped doing the things that annoy the piss out of you, you know you would miss them. That's what true love is. Looking past all the imperfections and the little things. Love the things that are perfect about somebody, because nobody is completely infallible.
And remember kidds, Love really does take time. You arent just going to find the perfect person for you tomorrow. (You might meet them, but you won't know that they are the perfect person for you until you actually get to know them). Knowwhutimsayin?
And remember kidds, Love really does take time. You arent just going to find the perfect person for you tomorrow. (You might meet them, but you won't know that they are the perfect person for you until you actually get to know them). Knowwhutimsayin?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Overworked and Underpaid.
i hate feeling this overworked and i hate having to stay up til ungodly hours just to keep up with all the dang work. and thats another thing. im getting sick and tired of people telling me "if i can do it, so can you" because im not anybody else, i dont function like anyone else. so if you could do it it doesnt mean that i can. i am a completely different individual and i work in completely different ways than most people, so i dont see why if someone else can do it, why i can. i have different work habits, i study differently, i learn differently. i am soooooo ocd about what i do and it gets me so mad that people tell me "you can do it because i did it"
i mean, how stupid is that statement? "You can do it, I mean, I did it". C'mon, lets get real. im sick of it. just because you did something doesnt mean i can too. not eveyone is made the same way, we cant all do the same things you do. it just makes me sooooooo mad when people tell me that. i cant always do what you can. thats why i ask you for help.
i am just so sick and tired of being tired and feeling overworked and always feeling like im on the verge of crying because i cant finish anything because i dont have the time. i dont have a life anymore b/c im always doing school work. im sick of it. i want out of one of my AP classes b/c i really cant take the work load. i am NOT capable of it, no matter what anybody says. i always like to have my work in on time, but i have had so much of it lately that i cant handle it anymore. i mean, i can sit on my butt for five minutes and have three nights of homework to do. i know i signed up for this, but idk if i can take it anymore.
i mean, how stupid is that statement? "You can do it, I mean, I did it". C'mon, lets get real. im sick of it. just because you did something doesnt mean i can too. not eveyone is made the same way, we cant all do the same things you do. it just makes me sooooooo mad when people tell me that. i cant always do what you can. thats why i ask you for help.
i am just so sick and tired of being tired and feeling overworked and always feeling like im on the verge of crying because i cant finish anything because i dont have the time. i dont have a life anymore b/c im always doing school work. im sick of it. i want out of one of my AP classes b/c i really cant take the work load. i am NOT capable of it, no matter what anybody says. i always like to have my work in on time, but i have had so much of it lately that i cant handle it anymore. i mean, i can sit on my butt for five minutes and have three nights of homework to do. i know i signed up for this, but idk if i can take it anymore.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I'm Sick and Tired
of hearing about people's "love stories". i mean, for real, im happy for yall, but you dont have to talk about it every single minute of every single day. it gets old, and all us SINGLE people out here get tired of hearing about how you and your love did this yesterday, or how you and your love are going to do something later. i dont want to hear it, and im sure im not the only one!
my best friend is dating this guy, and i honestly almost cant stand to hang out with the two of them. ever heard the expression "third wheel"? well, i know all too well what that feels like now. its not very fun. sitting somewhere hanging out and then all of the sudden they start sucking face. it gets kinda old. and it REALLY gets on my nerves when im trying to have a conversation and then i have the sudden urge to HURL. it's not all that fun.
so here's to all you "love birds"...
keep your love lives to yourself, because i know that i DO NOT want to hear about it.
okay?
my best friend is dating this guy, and i honestly almost cant stand to hang out with the two of them. ever heard the expression "third wheel"? well, i know all too well what that feels like now. its not very fun. sitting somewhere hanging out and then all of the sudden they start sucking face. it gets kinda old. and it REALLY gets on my nerves when im trying to have a conversation and then i have the sudden urge to HURL. it's not all that fun.
so here's to all you "love birds"...
keep your love lives to yourself, because i know that i DO NOT want to hear about it.
okay?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I Think We Have An Emergency.
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
If you thought I'd breathe then you were wrong
Because I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd breathe then you were wrong
Because I won't stop holding on
This is an emergency
So are you listening?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show real love
But you don't know what love is
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
Well I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
So much pain will not fade away
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
Alive...
That song is called "Emergency" by Paramore. I've noticed lately that almost every song that i listen to has at least one line that is WAYYYYY too specific to my life, or to a relationship i have with someone, whether it be a friend, someone i want to be more than a friend, whatever. it's really starting to scare me, honestly, but i digress.
this song actually parts of it fit MY life, and parts of it fit someone else's life. this song, when i really started to think about it, sounded exactly like a friend of mine. she has probably told me all of this stuff, but i just didnt really listen, and i still dont. lol.
ok, does it scare anyone that i do most of my thinking while im driving the ten to fifteen minutes home everyday from school? if not, then good. if so, dont worry, i still pay attention to the road and all that jive. but anyway... i sit there in the driver's seat and im just listening to my paramore cd and im just thinking. thinking really hard, might i add. and this song comes on, and i just start absent mindedly singing while im thinking. and it hits me... this song sounds like something my bestest friend has told me over and over and over again. i guess i just needed hayley williams to tell me for me to get it. lol.
the part that starts at "cause ive seen love die..." all the way thru "alive..." the first time, britany has told me something like that SO MANY TIMES. seriously. she's told me that i am apparently too scared to do anything (and i dont disagree with her) so i just give up any and every chance i ever get (which i do not disagree with). i mean, she HAS seen me cry wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many times, but that doesnt really stop me. and i mean, britany isnt the only person who's told me stuff like this. all of my best friends have at some point and time. ive had people tell me that i dont know what real love is because i havent experienced it. ive had people tell me that im just a bloody coward (which i really dont disagree with). but i can only think of two or three people who would say "and i cant pretend that i dont see this." really. it's sad, really.
i am a girl of many friends, but of those many friends, i can count the ones that are really there for me on one hand. there are many who would say that they are really there for me, but they just say it. their words are empty, and i know that better than they do. but that is a topic for another day.
=] By the way, this is my first blog of 2009. Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen!
I think we have an emergency
If you thought I'd breathe then you were wrong
Because I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd breathe then you were wrong
Because I won't stop holding on
This is an emergency
So are you listening?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show real love
But you don't know what love is
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
Well I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
So much pain will not fade away
And no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
Cause' I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserved to be alive
Alive...
Alive...
That song is called "Emergency" by Paramore. I've noticed lately that almost every song that i listen to has at least one line that is WAYYYYY too specific to my life, or to a relationship i have with someone, whether it be a friend, someone i want to be more than a friend, whatever. it's really starting to scare me, honestly, but i digress.
this song actually parts of it fit MY life, and parts of it fit someone else's life. this song, when i really started to think about it, sounded exactly like a friend of mine. she has probably told me all of this stuff, but i just didnt really listen, and i still dont. lol.
ok, does it scare anyone that i do most of my thinking while im driving the ten to fifteen minutes home everyday from school? if not, then good. if so, dont worry, i still pay attention to the road and all that jive. but anyway... i sit there in the driver's seat and im just listening to my paramore cd and im just thinking. thinking really hard, might i add. and this song comes on, and i just start absent mindedly singing while im thinking. and it hits me... this song sounds like something my bestest friend has told me over and over and over again. i guess i just needed hayley williams to tell me for me to get it. lol.
the part that starts at "cause ive seen love die..." all the way thru "alive..." the first time, britany has told me something like that SO MANY TIMES. seriously. she's told me that i am apparently too scared to do anything (and i dont disagree with her) so i just give up any and every chance i ever get (which i do not disagree with). i mean, she HAS seen me cry wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too many times, but that doesnt really stop me. and i mean, britany isnt the only person who's told me stuff like this. all of my best friends have at some point and time. ive had people tell me that i dont know what real love is because i havent experienced it. ive had people tell me that im just a bloody coward (which i really dont disagree with). but i can only think of two or three people who would say "and i cant pretend that i dont see this." really. it's sad, really.
i am a girl of many friends, but of those many friends, i can count the ones that are really there for me on one hand. there are many who would say that they are really there for me, but they just say it. their words are empty, and i know that better than they do. but that is a topic for another day.
=] By the way, this is my first blog of 2009. Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen!
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