Things Are Always Changing, There's Nothing I Can Do To Change It.

Wow.
Just, wow.
It hasn't really hit me until recently, but I'm really unsure of what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to be with him forever, and I want to be a photographer, and I want so many things! But, I mean, I'm not sure if all of those things are what I want. All I know is I had better figure it out pretty damn quick. Why? Because in TWO WEEKS I'm going to be a senior in high school. That means I have one more year until I dive feet first into the "real world" that everyone talks about. "One day, I won't be here to do all this for you. You need to start learning now. I won't be there for you when you're out there in the real world," they always say. What do they know? How many kids are really ready for the "real world" by the time they finish high school? Yes, they have jobs and they have cars and they have different responsibilities, but who is really ready? Most kids don't know how to fend for themselves. Most don't even know how to do their own laundry and always bring a month's worth of laundry home to Mommy so that they finally have clean clothes to wear instead of having to recycle clothes. It's sad to me that I'll be leaving the safe haven that is my home in a little more than 365 days. It's sad that, after high school, all my friends are gonna go off and do big things with their lives and I'll probably be stuck here in BFE for the rest of forever. I know I want to go places. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Greece, London, Scotland, Ireland. Just, EVERYWHERE... But, how am I going to get there? I want to go all these places and do all these things, but I don't know where to start. How do I get there? Who do I have to trick to get me there? What do I have to do? I want to make a difference. I want to do something big. I want, I want, I want. Shouldn't I have learned by now that I can want all I want, but I'm probably never going to get it? Shouldn't I have learned that I can work as hard as I want to, as hard as I need to, but I'll probably never get to see all the places I want to see, and I'll never get to do all the things I want to do? I shouldn't say I want, because I'll never get. Does anybody get what I'm saying? Probably not. You all probably just think I'm some mixed up crazy 17 year old girl trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I'm trying to be a drama queen. I'm really not. In my head, I'm screaming for help. I'm terrified of what the future might hold for me. I hate not knowing things, but I don't know what's going to happen in the future. That realization scares the living hell out of me. What do I do? I can't answer these questions, and I really don't know of anyone that actually can. For all I know, everything that is constant in my life right now could instantly vanish before my eyes. My friends, my love, my passions, my everything, POOF. It could all just disappear if I look away. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. That possibility, that teensy spec of unknown, could ruin everything.
Something happened today. Carter and I were in my car, and we were driving back to his house after practice today. I did something, but he didn't see it, and I wouldn't do it again. Carter is one of those guys who has to know everything, and if you don't tell him something, he assumes the worst. But, I mean, I usually tell him everything, so it isn't a problem. Anyway, I was just dancing in my car (I usually do, and I do it while I'm driving, but don't be alarmed, I still have at least one hand on the wheel!!!) and Carter didn't see all of it, so he asked me to do it again. I said I didn't want to. After a good ten minutes of that back and forth (jokingly), he got really quiet. He usually doesn't do that. So I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. Then he told me he was joking when he didn't answer me. We did that all the way up his driveway (which can be pretty long). I thought everything was okay. Then, when we were in his room, he did it again. I was laying on his bed, and then he moved to the floor. After that was all over with, we laughed b/c we were just joking. But in all seriousness, if something like that were to REALLY happen, I would have been crying by that point. I would have thought that I had made him mad, and I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me. What if that were real? The fact that he loves me more than anything in this world could change in an INSTANT. I could do or say something wrong, and he could just stop loving me. What would I do then? I don't know what I would do. I probably wouldn't do anything. [SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON YET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO KEEP READING.]I'd be screwed worse than Bella was when Edward left in New Moon. I wouldn't have a purpose anymore, really. I'm so used to having someone always there for me who ISN'T my bestest buddy Brituhknee that if that were suddenly taken from me, I'd go into shock. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. I probably wouldn't even be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to lead a normal life. [SPOILER OVER. YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW, EVERYBODY] So yeah. It just scares me that it could happen. It scares me that anything could change how I am right now. I'm so happy where I am. I've got someone who loves me unconditionally, I've got awesome friends, I'm five months away from legally being an adult. What could be better? To think that something could change all this scares me so badly. Some nights I lie awake and think "What could happen to change all this?"
Knowwhutimsayin? But I'm gonna stop for now b/c if I keep thinking about this, I'll start crying, and I've pretty much written a book by this point anyway.