Sunday, June 14, 2009

*Sigh*

"I have already been replaced for the most part, why not just go ahead and make Carter's full-time job your best friend and boyfriend."
Britany.
For the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH time.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Here, let me say it again.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?

Now, let me explain.
It is so much harder for me now because
1) My parents suck
2) I have more than three people to have to please all the time.
3) I can't make everyone happy, as hard as I may try.

I think that about covers that.
What would ever give you the idea that I'm replacing you? B/c I visit Carter all the time and not you? Well, I try to balance it. I really do. But if I see him less often, he gets paranoid that I'm avoiding him, and if I visit you less often, you think I'm replacing you. I can't find the balance. I can't make things work anymore. I don't know what to do. I try, and I try, and I try, and it obviously doesn't work with you. I'm sorry that you feel that this friendship isn't worth the time we've put into it.
Now, on to the "I can't help you" thing. Your advice isn't wrong....if it were trying to effect someone else. What you have yet to understand is it doesn't matter what I try, it doesn't work. It honest to God doesn't work. Talking to her does nothing. You can try to reason with her until you're blue in the face and it won't move her one bit. That much is obvious, seeing as how I have tried it before. Remember that day I had you and your mom come get me? We "talked", me, Dad and Mel. Nothing has changed. She's still just as bitchy and unfair as she was before. She always will be. You can't change something like that. And I've told you before, I won't try it because 1) it won't work and 2) if I do try it, it'll piss her off and that's not something you want to see, or live with.
You're good for a lot of things, Britany. But anymore all you've done is bitch at me about something or other. I piss you off, but I'm trying my hardest not to, dammit. I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone. If I please one person, I piss someone else off. It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in the middle of it. I want out of it, but there is no escape, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is not do anything. Just sit at home like a hermit: no friends, no life, nothing. Just sleep, eat, and clean. Then I can't piss anyone off. Unfortunately, I'm not capable of that. I have to have people in my life. I have to have someone to talk to. I have to have someone to love. I have to have some kind of escape from the monotony that is teenage life in a small town. That's where the people that I keep pissing off come in. They are a necessity, but they are also a hinderance. I cannot move forward because I am always bending over backwards to please So and so. And bending over backwards to please So and so pisses off Whats-her-face. Trying to please So and so and Whats-her-face pisses off Whosamaflingy. And so on, and so on. I can't escape from this. I want to so badly. But I can't.
I don't want to be your biggest enemy, Britany. I don't. But if that is where you want me to go, then I guess I have no choice. I don't know what else to say. I can't know what to say. There is no way to convince you otherwise, I guess. I am truly sorry. We've grown apart in the last three months. Why is that? I....don't know what else to say. Honestly. I don't.
This isn't it, dammit. So take back that damn goodbye.

1 comment:

Britany said...

I'm just now reading this. I wrote that blog a while back. I don't want you to bend over backwards to please me. All I ask is that if you are going to be with me and carter at the same time, don't ignore me. Don't kiss him in front of me. I don't want to see it. We discussed that. Remember when I was dating Josh and you told me that. You didn't want to see that. These past three months we have grown apart. I completely agree with you. But I also know why. I'm going to try to explain this as best I can without making you mad or bitching at you about it.

When I was dating Josh, I tried my best to include you in things. I invited you to go with us and I didn't blow you off for him. I didn't spend the night with you and get up and leave the next morning to go see Josh. I didn't make out with him in front of you. I tried to keep the lovey-dovey stuff to a minimum. You didn't have that, I know it made you sick. I respected that. When I was dating Matt I had to learn the hard way that you can't just push your friends to the side because you won't have any when you need them the most.

We have completely traded shoes. I am lonely. I want love. I don't have it. You do. You make me sick when you kiss Carter. The lovey-dovey stuff is gross. LOL.

I am so used to having somebody right there with me all of the time. Whether it is/was you or Josh or whoever. I don't have that now. I don't get ALL of your time anymore, which I can deal with, but why can't the three of us go do stuff? You know what I'm saying?

Things have changed so much for both of us. Yours was good and mine was bad. Idk how to make it better or fix it. I honestly make an effort not to be bitchy because you say that's all I do anymore. Its not. Honestly! You just don't pay much attention to me when I'm not bitching at you.

But all thats over so whatever. I just wanted to throw that out there.

When are you coming home from vacation. Party at my house on the 4th of July. Call me when you get home :) I'm gonna miss you.