Keep your Friends Close, Keep your Enemies Closer

I have noticed alot of things lately. and a majority of these things are about myself. i have noticed that ever since something abruptly ended a while back, i havent been much of the same person. in a way, i have bettered myself from that, but in most ways, i was very confused. i knew that what i had done would be good for me in the long run, but at the time, i was greatly saddened. it took me forever, it seemed, to finally get what i wanted, and once i had it, it wasnt all i thought it would be. im not saying that i was unhappy, because i was the happiest person alive. and for all you perverts that may be reading this going "oh my god, what did katie do!?" i will go ahead and answer that now: NOTHING. i didnt do a damn thing, so dont go around saying "omfg katie has gone and done something!" because i havent, you pervert. now that that has been said... where was i?oh yes.i was the happiest person alive. until things started happening, and i wasnt very happy with them. i ignored it for a while, but finally, i could ignore it no longer, and when i said something about it, it blew up in my face, caused me much grief, and so i had to get rid of the thing that was causing me grief, which in this case pretty much meant getting rid of my best friend. or someone who i thought was my best friend.for the longest time, i thought that, and still sometimes do think that i should not have done what i did. it made me miserable thinking that i had gone and ruined something good, again. i cried for days afterwards, and every now and then, i still do.recently, though, i read a book. the main character went through a similar difficulty to what i was going through at the time when i read it. it wasnt completely the same, but the emotions that the character was feeling in the book were almost identical to the things that i was feeling at the time. it’s crazy how sometimes a simple book can teach you so many things, and give you the answers to things that are going on in your life at the time that you read them. this book taught me that it is okay to forget about the past and to let go of everything that is hurting you. yes, it helped to shape who you are, but it is alright to let it go. you dont have to keep beating yourself up for things that have happened in the past. that is something that i never thought that i could do.one of the other characters in this book says to the main character "it doesnt need to be like this. it doesnt have to be either/or. it must be possible to be friends..." that quote, when i read it, had no value at first. i wasnt really thinking about the book at the time, it was just a good read. but when i went back and really thought about it, i realized that it was exactly what i needed to hear. i, apparently, needed someone or something to tell me that things dont need to be the way that i was handling them. things didnt need to be "either.or" it could be both or neither. or anything, for that matter. that we could just be friends if i could just let go. but that was never something i had taught myself to do. i always keep bringing back old memories and other things that i have always done wrong in my life, and i focus on those things so that i will never do them again. but i always end up repeating past mistakes. if i could just learn to let go, i could probably be a much better person. i wouldnt always feel like i am down right miserable.throughout the short course of my sixteen year old life, i have come into contact with several people. many of them were just passing aquaintances, few were ever really close friends. i am glad to say that i have found a small group of people that i know that i can turn to at any given time and be able to tell them anything and at the very least, have a shoulder to cry on. at the most, a person who can help me through any problem with ease and have a strong support behind me through everything i do. without them, i dont know what i would do with myself. thankfully, all of them would be there for me, no matter what. one of them has been there for me since the day i was born, i just never took advantage of that. i always shyed away from her help, even though i now know that i should have used it. i just always thought she would make fun of me or not understand. thankfully, though, i have realized that her help, as well as the help of a few others, could be the best kind of help that i ever needed. i guess thats what sisters are for! as well as best friends. not just the ones that are friends with you for the image. those are the fake ones and you need to get away from them because they will drag you down. they are no help to you because they dont really care for you. the ones im talking about are the ones that have seen you at your very best and your very worst. the ones that are there for you when you think that you have hit rock bottom. the ones that if they see you crying go "who i gotta beat down?" because they really care for you.when you find those, cherish them. dont ever let go of them, because friends like that are hard to find. and once you do find them, hold on tight.

now i think ive made my peace with myself.
who knows.
until next time,
but right now, im gonna sit back, in boredom, with a glass of grape kool-aid.
Peace,
Kaytay