I think I can....
To You,
I hate you. It's as simple as that. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of acting like I still like you and respect you. I really don't. I'm the basket case I am today because of my actions, yes, but they were influenced by you. I hate you for what you made me do. I hate you for who I've become. I hate you for the choices I've made. I may say I've forgiven you, but I don't think I ever can. You've hurt me too much. I can't stand who I am anymore. And it's all your fault. You made me feel the way I do. You've caused me all the problems I've had of late. I'm not sorry for saying this. I'm just glad that I can finally vocalize it after how long now? Too long. You were once my best friend. Didn't that mean something to you? I was wrong to assume it did. It was wrong of me to assume that you actually cared about me. I have been right in assuming that you are a complete asshole. I don't care that you'll never see this. I don't care that the only people who are going to read this are Britany, Rachy, and Liam (and Idk about him...), what I do care about is that I am finally strong enough to say to you what I've wanted to say to you for so long. I don't care if we never speak again. I really don't. I'm long past caring. Had none of this happened, had you not jumped to conclusions, had I not cared as much as I did, we would probably still be best friends right now. But we're not. At one time, the strained cordialness between us would have bothered me. Now I prefer we not talk at all. Things seem to work better that way. I'm not going to say goodbye, because it's not even worth it. What I will say is that I hate you, and I'm not sorry for it. This is an ending. A closing to a chapter of my life that has been past due to end. Now that it's finally closed, there is no going back, and I'm glad. I've finally and completely moved on after over a year. Good riddance is all I really have to say.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Fuck This Shit.
I'm done with all this bullshit. Seriously. I can't do anything anymore without someone complaining. So you know what?
I'm done with all the bitching.
So just leave me the fuck alone.
This has been a long time coming. All you do is bitch and complain about what I do. I can't do anything to appease you anymore. I try, and BOOM, you bitch at me some more about something else. I'm annoying? You're fucking annoying. Fuck you, okay? I'm done.
I'm done with all the bitching.
So just leave me the fuck alone.
This has been a long time coming. All you do is bitch and complain about what I do. I can't do anything to appease you anymore. I try, and BOOM, you bitch at me some more about something else. I'm annoying? You're fucking annoying. Fuck you, okay? I'm done.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Things Are Always Changing, There's Nothing I Can Do To Change It.
Wow.
Just, wow.
It hasn't really hit me until recently, but I'm really unsure of what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to be with him forever, and I want to be a photographer, and I want so many things! But, I mean, I'm not sure if all of those things are what I want. All I know is I had better figure it out pretty damn quick. Why? Because in TWO WEEKS I'm going to be a senior in high school. That means I have one more year until I dive feet first into the "real world" that everyone talks about. "One day, I won't be here to do all this for you. You need to start learning now. I won't be there for you when you're out there in the real world," they always say. What do they know? How many kids are really ready for the "real world" by the time they finish high school? Yes, they have jobs and they have cars and they have different responsibilities, but who is really ready? Most kids don't know how to fend for themselves. Most don't even know how to do their own laundry and always bring a month's worth of laundry home to Mommy so that they finally have clean clothes to wear instead of having to recycle clothes. It's sad to me that I'll be leaving the safe haven that is my home in a little more than 365 days. It's sad that, after high school, all my friends are gonna go off and do big things with their lives and I'll probably be stuck here in BFE for the rest of forever. I know I want to go places. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Greece, London, Scotland, Ireland. Just, EVERYWHERE... But, how am I going to get there? I want to go all these places and do all these things, but I don't know where to start. How do I get there? Who do I have to trick to get me there? What do I have to do? I want to make a difference. I want to do something big. I want, I want, I want. Shouldn't I have learned by now that I can want all I want, but I'm probably never going to get it? Shouldn't I have learned that I can work as hard as I want to, as hard as I need to, but I'll probably never get to see all the places I want to see, and I'll never get to do all the things I want to do? I shouldn't say I want, because I'll never get. Does anybody get what I'm saying? Probably not. You all probably just think I'm some mixed up crazy 17 year old girl trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I'm trying to be a drama queen. I'm really not. In my head, I'm screaming for help. I'm terrified of what the future might hold for me. I hate not knowing things, but I don't know what's going to happen in the future. That realization scares the living hell out of me. What do I do? I can't answer these questions, and I really don't know of anyone that actually can. For all I know, everything that is constant in my life right now could instantly vanish before my eyes. My friends, my love, my passions, my everything, POOF. It could all just disappear if I look away. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. That possibility, that teensy spec of unknown, could ruin everything.
Something happened today. Carter and I were in my car, and we were driving back to his house after practice today. I did something, but he didn't see it, and I wouldn't do it again. Carter is one of those guys who has to know everything, and if you don't tell him something, he assumes the worst. But, I mean, I usually tell him everything, so it isn't a problem. Anyway, I was just dancing in my car (I usually do, and I do it while I'm driving, but don't be alarmed, I still have at least one hand on the wheel!!!) and Carter didn't see all of it, so he asked me to do it again. I said I didn't want to. After a good ten minutes of that back and forth (jokingly), he got really quiet. He usually doesn't do that. So I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. Then he told me he was joking when he didn't answer me. We did that all the way up his driveway (which can be pretty long). I thought everything was okay. Then, when we were in his room, he did it again. I was laying on his bed, and then he moved to the floor. After that was all over with, we laughed b/c we were just joking. But in all seriousness, if something like that were to REALLY happen, I would have been crying by that point. I would have thought that I had made him mad, and I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me. What if that were real? The fact that he loves me more than anything in this world could change in an INSTANT. I could do or say something wrong, and he could just stop loving me. What would I do then? I don't know what I would do. I probably wouldn't do anything. [SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON YET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO KEEP READING.]I'd be screwed worse than Bella was when Edward left in New Moon. I wouldn't have a purpose anymore, really. I'm so used to having someone always there for me who ISN'T my bestest buddy Brituhknee that if that were suddenly taken from me, I'd go into shock. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. I probably wouldn't even be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to lead a normal life. [SPOILER OVER. YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW, EVERYBODY] So yeah. It just scares me that it could happen. It scares me that anything could change how I am right now. I'm so happy where I am. I've got someone who loves me unconditionally, I've got awesome friends, I'm five months away from legally being an adult. What could be better? To think that something could change all this scares me so badly. Some nights I lie awake and think "What could happen to change all this?"
Knowwhutimsayin? But I'm gonna stop for now b/c if I keep thinking about this, I'll start crying, and I've pretty much written a book by this point anyway.
Just, wow.
It hasn't really hit me until recently, but I'm really unsure of what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to be with him forever, and I want to be a photographer, and I want so many things! But, I mean, I'm not sure if all of those things are what I want. All I know is I had better figure it out pretty damn quick. Why? Because in TWO WEEKS I'm going to be a senior in high school. That means I have one more year until I dive feet first into the "real world" that everyone talks about. "One day, I won't be here to do all this for you. You need to start learning now. I won't be there for you when you're out there in the real world," they always say. What do they know? How many kids are really ready for the "real world" by the time they finish high school? Yes, they have jobs and they have cars and they have different responsibilities, but who is really ready? Most kids don't know how to fend for themselves. Most don't even know how to do their own laundry and always bring a month's worth of laundry home to Mommy so that they finally have clean clothes to wear instead of having to recycle clothes. It's sad to me that I'll be leaving the safe haven that is my home in a little more than 365 days. It's sad that, after high school, all my friends are gonna go off and do big things with their lives and I'll probably be stuck here in BFE for the rest of forever. I know I want to go places. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Greece, London, Scotland, Ireland. Just, EVERYWHERE... But, how am I going to get there? I want to go all these places and do all these things, but I don't know where to start. How do I get there? Who do I have to trick to get me there? What do I have to do? I want to make a difference. I want to do something big. I want, I want, I want. Shouldn't I have learned by now that I can want all I want, but I'm probably never going to get it? Shouldn't I have learned that I can work as hard as I want to, as hard as I need to, but I'll probably never get to see all the places I want to see, and I'll never get to do all the things I want to do? I shouldn't say I want, because I'll never get. Does anybody get what I'm saying? Probably not. You all probably just think I'm some mixed up crazy 17 year old girl trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I'm trying to be a drama queen. I'm really not. In my head, I'm screaming for help. I'm terrified of what the future might hold for me. I hate not knowing things, but I don't know what's going to happen in the future. That realization scares the living hell out of me. What do I do? I can't answer these questions, and I really don't know of anyone that actually can. For all I know, everything that is constant in my life right now could instantly vanish before my eyes. My friends, my love, my passions, my everything, POOF. It could all just disappear if I look away. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. That possibility, that teensy spec of unknown, could ruin everything.
Something happened today. Carter and I were in my car, and we were driving back to his house after practice today. I did something, but he didn't see it, and I wouldn't do it again. Carter is one of those guys who has to know everything, and if you don't tell him something, he assumes the worst. But, I mean, I usually tell him everything, so it isn't a problem. Anyway, I was just dancing in my car (I usually do, and I do it while I'm driving, but don't be alarmed, I still have at least one hand on the wheel!!!) and Carter didn't see all of it, so he asked me to do it again. I said I didn't want to. After a good ten minutes of that back and forth (jokingly), he got really quiet. He usually doesn't do that. So I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. Then he told me he was joking when he didn't answer me. We did that all the way up his driveway (which can be pretty long). I thought everything was okay. Then, when we were in his room, he did it again. I was laying on his bed, and then he moved to the floor. After that was all over with, we laughed b/c we were just joking. But in all seriousness, if something like that were to REALLY happen, I would have been crying by that point. I would have thought that I had made him mad, and I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me. What if that were real? The fact that he loves me more than anything in this world could change in an INSTANT. I could do or say something wrong, and he could just stop loving me. What would I do then? I don't know what I would do. I probably wouldn't do anything. [SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ NEW MOON YET, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO KEEP READING.]I'd be screwed worse than Bella was when Edward left in New Moon. I wouldn't have a purpose anymore, really. I'm so used to having someone always there for me who ISN'T my bestest buddy Brituhknee that if that were suddenly taken from me, I'd go into shock. I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. I probably wouldn't even be able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and try to lead a normal life. [SPOILER OVER. YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW, EVERYBODY] So yeah. It just scares me that it could happen. It scares me that anything could change how I am right now. I'm so happy where I am. I've got someone who loves me unconditionally, I've got awesome friends, I'm five months away from legally being an adult. What could be better? To think that something could change all this scares me so badly. Some nights I lie awake and think "What could happen to change all this?"
Knowwhutimsayin? But I'm gonna stop for now b/c if I keep thinking about this, I'll start crying, and I've pretty much written a book by this point anyway.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
<3
The Adventures of Katie and Carter.
So, for those of my avid readers who don't know, I'm dating the greatest guy on the friggin' planet. Carter Heptinstall (future husband?, pre-fiancee? hahaha. I love that word) is friggin' awesome. He's so sweet, and funny as all get out, and he's actually not an asshole! YAAAAAY!
So yeah, I'm happy, and I've never been happier. And honestly, there isn't a thing that anyone in the world can do to stop it. We go together like Oreo's and Milk. Like two peas in a pod, we're stuck together. And, I mean, it's crazy! We have seriously only been dating for almost two months, and we already know we're gonna be together for the rest of forever. =] And, for the first time in my short little life, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no problem with that.
So, to you: I love you with everything I've got, and then some, and forever never sounded so good. <3 Ily CarterBoo. :D
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Damn Dirty Sexist Bastards.
Okay. So, I'm sure you're all imagining "wtf? sexist bastards?" So, I think I should e'splain.
A friend of mine is in a band. A heavy metal band, might I add. Now, normally I don't sing much heavy metal (hardly any at all), but I really think I could do it. I've been able to handle anything that anyone can throw at me, so why not this? Anyway, so my friend asked me if I would sing in their band. I was like "Sure, why not?" So, today, my friend told two of the guys that are in the band with him that I might be singing with them. Those two guys go "If she sings, we're out."
Now, here's where it get's sticky. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend, the one with whom I was having a very nasty email conversation with in the past (See "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with All the He Said She Said" parts One and Two for more details.) So, he and I have a bit of a history, but we don't really have a problem with each other anymore. (So I thought...) The other guy is my ex's best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean one is stuck up the other's ass so far that the only thing hanging out is their toes. So if one goes, so does the other because apparently they don't have the capability to have their own personal opinions and they have to rely on each other to form a damn coherent sentence. Sorry, I got a little carried away. I do that when I'm rather angry.
I was told that they said that if I joined their heavy metal band that it wouldn't be like a real heavy metal band. Now, how the fuck did they come to that conclusion? I mean, that statement could be taken one of two ways, from how I see it.
One) They are damn dirty sexist bastards that think that girls can't handle heavy metal music
or
Two) They think that my voice SUCKS and they don't want to be a part of any project that would involve my vocal skills.
Either way, that totally fucking sucks and both are really STUPID reasons to just leave your friends that you formed a band with out to dry. I mean, who fucking does that? I'll tell you who does that: someone who is too stuck up to realize that a little more talent never hurt anyone. Someone who doesn't realize that GIRLS CAN DO IT JUST AS WELL AS GUYS CAN, DAMMIT, AND THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A FUCKING CHANCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO TURN TAIL AND HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE. STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE.
I honestly think that they were trying to say that because I'm a girl that I couldn't possibly handle what heavy metal has to offer. Bullshit. I can do it just as well as the next guy could. And honestly, I really think I could do it better than the one who has is head shoved up the other's ass.
And what honestly makes me laugh is that the other three guys in the band are IN LOVE with the idea of me singing. They think it'll be great! But these two damn dirty sexist bastards just have to come along and piss me the fuck off and tell me (well, really, tell my friend. he couldn't POSSIBLY have the balls to tell ME this) that they won't do something that they enjoy just because I'm doing it.
Ha, I just had a thought as I was writing that last line. What if they chose not to do something they enjoy anymore because I'M doing it. In which case, I have to say to them: FUCK OFF and get the fuck over yourselves. I have no damn problem with you guys, but you're going to go and fuck your friends over just because I'm there. That's fucking stupid. We are all almost adults here, and it's obvious who the more mature person is in this situation. Grow the fuck up, and get over your damn selves. You obviously don't know how stupid and fucking immature you sound right now.
I think I'm about done with all this now. I don't really have anything else to say, other than to tell those to to fuck off, and to tell the other guys thanks for thinking I can do it. Okay?
=]
Peacee.
-KayTay.
A friend of mine is in a band. A heavy metal band, might I add. Now, normally I don't sing much heavy metal (hardly any at all), but I really think I could do it. I've been able to handle anything that anyone can throw at me, so why not this? Anyway, so my friend asked me if I would sing in their band. I was like "Sure, why not?" So, today, my friend told two of the guys that are in the band with him that I might be singing with them. Those two guys go "If she sings, we're out."
Now, here's where it get's sticky. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend, the one with whom I was having a very nasty email conversation with in the past (See "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with All the He Said She Said" parts One and Two for more details.) So, he and I have a bit of a history, but we don't really have a problem with each other anymore. (So I thought...) The other guy is my ex's best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean one is stuck up the other's ass so far that the only thing hanging out is their toes. So if one goes, so does the other because apparently they don't have the capability to have their own personal opinions and they have to rely on each other to form a damn coherent sentence. Sorry, I got a little carried away. I do that when I'm rather angry.
I was told that they said that if I joined their heavy metal band that it wouldn't be like a real heavy metal band. Now, how the fuck did they come to that conclusion? I mean, that statement could be taken one of two ways, from how I see it.
One) They are damn dirty sexist bastards that think that girls can't handle heavy metal music
or
Two) They think that my voice SUCKS and they don't want to be a part of any project that would involve my vocal skills.
Either way, that totally fucking sucks and both are really STUPID reasons to just leave your friends that you formed a band with out to dry. I mean, who fucking does that? I'll tell you who does that: someone who is too stuck up to realize that a little more talent never hurt anyone. Someone who doesn't realize that GIRLS CAN DO IT JUST AS WELL AS GUYS CAN, DAMMIT, AND THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A FUCKING CHANCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO TURN TAIL AND HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE. STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE.
I honestly think that they were trying to say that because I'm a girl that I couldn't possibly handle what heavy metal has to offer. Bullshit. I can do it just as well as the next guy could. And honestly, I really think I could do it better than the one who has is head shoved up the other's ass.
And what honestly makes me laugh is that the other three guys in the band are IN LOVE with the idea of me singing. They think it'll be great! But these two damn dirty sexist bastards just have to come along and piss me the fuck off and tell me (well, really, tell my friend. he couldn't POSSIBLY have the balls to tell ME this) that they won't do something that they enjoy just because I'm doing it.
Ha, I just had a thought as I was writing that last line. What if they chose not to do something they enjoy anymore because I'M doing it. In which case, I have to say to them: FUCK OFF and get the fuck over yourselves. I have no damn problem with you guys, but you're going to go and fuck your friends over just because I'm there. That's fucking stupid. We are all almost adults here, and it's obvious who the more mature person is in this situation. Grow the fuck up, and get over your damn selves. You obviously don't know how stupid and fucking immature you sound right now.
I think I'm about done with all this now. I don't really have anything else to say, other than to tell those to to fuck off, and to tell the other guys thanks for thinking I can do it. Okay?
=]
Peacee.
-KayTay.
Monday, March 9, 2009
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