Wow. It has been a while, avid readers, but oh, has a lot happened. I've been up and down and back and forth and every direction at once. This summer has been a crazy one. I don't even know what to start with. Let me start with what has been weighing the heaviest on my mind. This guy. I can't stand the sight of him. I mean, seriously. He and I dated for a little less than two months. We fought, and broke up. Whoop-dee, right? Unfortunately, no. That was one of the worst times in my life. Everything that has happened to me since then has been b/c of who I changed into after him. I'm the crazy, self-hating, neurotic bitch that I am today b/c of that little fucker. Anyway. He and I haven't been together for a long time. We don't really talk anymore. I play nice when I have to, but that's it. Well, he's in band and I'm on the color guard, so it's inevitable that we'll have to deal with each other. This all started at Carter's birthday party. We were both there. I swear to you he was staring at me. He swears he wasn't. Then, band camp starts. I stay after one day and sit w/ Britany. When he's not playing, he's staring. I think he's starting to realize what he skipped out on. what I want, tho, as I just realized, is my old best friend back. My best guy friend. Our friendship used to be effortless. We could just hang out and everything would be fine. No problems. None. I want that back. I want that effortless joking. The effortless friendship. Can I have that back? Or is it too late? Am I too late? Have I already screwed things up so badly so that I can't have my best friend back? Am I what you say I am? Am I? Can I forgive you? Can you forgive me? Can we have our effortless friendship back and just forget the past? I can't take back anything I've said, even though I think about it every day and always regret what I have said to you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. How could I? No one's perfect, and I'm the least perfect of them all. I don't know what to do, honestly. I want to forgive and be forgiven, but there is that one part of me that says not to. I just want my best friend back, despite what I tell myself. That's all I want. In a perfect world, I know this would happen. But this isn't a perfect world.
I'll save the other stuff for another day.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
F-A-I-L. My Favorite 4-Letter "F" Word...
Why did I title this "Fail"?
Because. I'm sick of everything right about now.
My boyfriend complains about my best friend being a bitch.
My best friend complains about how I spend too much time with my boyfriend.
She also complains about my band.
I'm not sure I can handle being in this band.
We never do anything, and when we DO finally do something, it sounds awful b/c we can't all go the same speed. That drives me nuts.
I've got too much drama around me.
I'm tired of it.
I need an escape.
This whole situation deserves my favorite 4-letter "F" word....
FAIL.
Because. I'm sick of everything right about now.
My boyfriend complains about my best friend being a bitch.
My best friend complains about how I spend too much time with my boyfriend.
She also complains about my band.
I'm not sure I can handle being in this band.
We never do anything, and when we DO finally do something, it sounds awful b/c we can't all go the same speed. That drives me nuts.
I've got too much drama around me.
I'm tired of it.
I need an escape.
This whole situation deserves my favorite 4-letter "F" word....
FAIL.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
*Sigh*
"I have already been replaced for the most part, why not just go ahead and make Carter's full-time job your best friend and boyfriend."
Britany.
For the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH time.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Here, let me say it again.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?
Now, let me explain.
It is so much harder for me now because
1) My parents suck
2) I have more than three people to have to please all the time.
3) I can't make everyone happy, as hard as I may try.
I think that about covers that.
What would ever give you the idea that I'm replacing you? B/c I visit Carter all the time and not you? Well, I try to balance it. I really do. But if I see him less often, he gets paranoid that I'm avoiding him, and if I visit you less often, you think I'm replacing you. I can't find the balance. I can't make things work anymore. I don't know what to do. I try, and I try, and I try, and it obviously doesn't work with you. I'm sorry that you feel that this friendship isn't worth the time we've put into it.
Now, on to the "I can't help you" thing. Your advice isn't wrong....if it were trying to effect someone else. What you have yet to understand is it doesn't matter what I try, it doesn't work. It honest to God doesn't work. Talking to her does nothing. You can try to reason with her until you're blue in the face and it won't move her one bit. That much is obvious, seeing as how I have tried it before. Remember that day I had you and your mom come get me? We "talked", me, Dad and Mel. Nothing has changed. She's still just as bitchy and unfair as she was before. She always will be. You can't change something like that. And I've told you before, I won't try it because 1) it won't work and 2) if I do try it, it'll piss her off and that's not something you want to see, or live with.
You're good for a lot of things, Britany. But anymore all you've done is bitch at me about something or other. I piss you off, but I'm trying my hardest not to, dammit. I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone. If I please one person, I piss someone else off. It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in the middle of it. I want out of it, but there is no escape, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is not do anything. Just sit at home like a hermit: no friends, no life, nothing. Just sleep, eat, and clean. Then I can't piss anyone off. Unfortunately, I'm not capable of that. I have to have people in my life. I have to have someone to talk to. I have to have someone to love. I have to have some kind of escape from the monotony that is teenage life in a small town. That's where the people that I keep pissing off come in. They are a necessity, but they are also a hinderance. I cannot move forward because I am always bending over backwards to please So and so. And bending over backwards to please So and so pisses off Whats-her-face. Trying to please So and so and Whats-her-face pisses off Whosamaflingy. And so on, and so on. I can't escape from this. I want to so badly. But I can't.
I don't want to be your biggest enemy, Britany. I don't. But if that is where you want me to go, then I guess I have no choice. I don't know what else to say. I can't know what to say. There is no way to convince you otherwise, I guess. I am truly sorry. We've grown apart in the last three months. Why is that? I....don't know what else to say. Honestly. I don't.
This isn't it, dammit. So take back that damn goodbye.
Britany.
For the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH time.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Here, let me say it again.
I HAVE NOT REPLACED YOU.
Have I made myself perfectly clear?
Now, let me explain.
It is so much harder for me now because
1) My parents suck
2) I have more than three people to have to please all the time.
3) I can't make everyone happy, as hard as I may try.
I think that about covers that.
What would ever give you the idea that I'm replacing you? B/c I visit Carter all the time and not you? Well, I try to balance it. I really do. But if I see him less often, he gets paranoid that I'm avoiding him, and if I visit you less often, you think I'm replacing you. I can't find the balance. I can't make things work anymore. I don't know what to do. I try, and I try, and I try, and it obviously doesn't work with you. I'm sorry that you feel that this friendship isn't worth the time we've put into it.
Now, on to the "I can't help you" thing. Your advice isn't wrong....if it were trying to effect someone else. What you have yet to understand is it doesn't matter what I try, it doesn't work. It honest to God doesn't work. Talking to her does nothing. You can try to reason with her until you're blue in the face and it won't move her one bit. That much is obvious, seeing as how I have tried it before. Remember that day I had you and your mom come get me? We "talked", me, Dad and Mel. Nothing has changed. She's still just as bitchy and unfair as she was before. She always will be. You can't change something like that. And I've told you before, I won't try it because 1) it won't work and 2) if I do try it, it'll piss her off and that's not something you want to see, or live with.
You're good for a lot of things, Britany. But anymore all you've done is bitch at me about something or other. I piss you off, but I'm trying my hardest not to, dammit. I'm not Super Woman, I can't please everyone. If I please one person, I piss someone else off. It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in the middle of it. I want out of it, but there is no escape, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is not do anything. Just sit at home like a hermit: no friends, no life, nothing. Just sleep, eat, and clean. Then I can't piss anyone off. Unfortunately, I'm not capable of that. I have to have people in my life. I have to have someone to talk to. I have to have someone to love. I have to have some kind of escape from the monotony that is teenage life in a small town. That's where the people that I keep pissing off come in. They are a necessity, but they are also a hinderance. I cannot move forward because I am always bending over backwards to please So and so. And bending over backwards to please So and so pisses off Whats-her-face. Trying to please So and so and Whats-her-face pisses off Whosamaflingy. And so on, and so on. I can't escape from this. I want to so badly. But I can't.
I don't want to be your biggest enemy, Britany. I don't. But if that is where you want me to go, then I guess I have no choice. I don't know what else to say. I can't know what to say. There is no way to convince you otherwise, I guess. I am truly sorry. We've grown apart in the last three months. Why is that? I....don't know what else to say. Honestly. I don't.
This isn't it, dammit. So take back that damn goodbye.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Well,
We're obviously not doing each other any good, Britany.
And I don't think that my about me section needs to be revised, thank you.
So maybe I have changed, and I think it's for the better.
If you don't like it, then whatever.
Just STFU about it and leave me alone.
And I don't think that my about me section needs to be revised, thank you.
So maybe I have changed, and I think it's for the better.
If you don't like it, then whatever.
Just STFU about it and leave me alone.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
No, Britany, I suck at life.
i cant meet people's expectations, i cant meet my own expectations, i cant do anything right, im just a failure
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Dumbass Ignorant People...
Love is love. Okay? It SHOULDN'T matter who it's between: two guys, two girls, two white people, a black and a white person, a Chinese and a Mexican...IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. Unfortunately, it does. But why? What is so wrong with interracial or gay/lesbian couples? NOTHING. Honestly, nothing is wrong with them. Someone once told me "You can't control who you fall in love with." I may be young, and some people out there may think I'm stupid, and I don't care if you do, but that makes a helluva lot of sense to me. I mean, love is love no matter how you look at it, dammit. Who says you can't love a black man if you're a white woman? (Not including Michael Jackson...It's just creepy. :D I thought I'd throw a joke in.) Who says you can't love another man if you're gay, or another woman if you're a lesbian? WHO SAYS? Nobody says. Just some stupid, ignorant people who have some idiotic supremest idea that love has rules. Love doesn't have rules. You can't pick and choose who you love. It doesn't work that way, guys. You just have to let it happen. Go with the flow. Don't stress. Love is a risk, but some people out there are making others take more risks than are necessary to find the one that they love. Don't be that guy. Okay? Don't be the one that makes things harder than they should be. Let people love who they want to love. Don't give them issues. Just let it go. It's their choice to make, and if you really care about someone, you should support their decisions. I have gay/lesbian friends. I have white friends that love black people. I have black friends that love white people. It doesn't matter what the color is, or the gender. What matters is the love. I support my friends b/c they love someone. I support love, no matter what it looks like. Appearances don't matter. Never judge a book by its cover. It might just be something you like.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Holy Crap....
I've only got one year left. It's official..
I'm a SENIOR. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Class of OhTen.
Hahaha.
That sounds stupid. So we're just gonna go with Class of Ten, baby. :D
So as I'm sitting here, eating my yummeh watermelon and looking at my class ring I got back today, I realized that I was wearing it the wrong way. The "10" is supposed to be towards me now, not the "20". Scary. Yesterday I was in first grade. Today I'm a senior. Where'd the time go?
I'm a SENIOR. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Class of OhTen.
Hahaha.
That sounds stupid. So we're just gonna go with Class of Ten, baby. :D
So as I'm sitting here, eating my yummeh watermelon and looking at my class ring I got back today, I realized that I was wearing it the wrong way. The "10" is supposed to be towards me now, not the "20". Scary. Yesterday I was in first grade. Today I'm a senior. Where'd the time go?
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